performance

all the world’s a stage, and i am merely an actor. performance is everywhere, and not just in the traditional means of be in my play, stand here, and say this. but life is beginning to feel like that: a set of motions, predetermined, and i, just a vessel to act out in the most compelling way possible, to progress the my waking moments in story.

maybe it’s a box i’ve constructed myself. a step back from the life i’ve created myself, the things i do and say, what i wear and how i act, however niche or rich in content, contributes to a role in some way: one i must wake up every day and play, whether i like it or not. i guess my real qualm is my framing it as a performance, or maybe my feeling of displacement for the things i’ve done with no seemingly ulterior motives. things that don’t contribute to the imaginary plot through which i analyze my life. perhaps it’s the reframing of my intrinsic interests as something extremely similar, but inherently different from what i should be doing, or what i actually like, if only to be a smidgen more appealing to the audience.

i guess the dissociation is something i get to share then, an “it’s been a hard year” or just a rough two days, with other people. it softens the blow even if just raising the threshold for the bullshit a person can tolerate and survive.

it reminds me of the swedish movie persona, and the prolific actress who one day stops talking. and sometimes that feels like the right thing to do, not to talk. sometimes i feel entirely burdened with maintaining my reputation. every part of it crafted by a me who’s been operating my body all my life, but a past self, more perfect than the present.

i think the remedy to feeling like a fraud is to give in completely to the farce of life. to become an actor in a true right, move with the intention to perform, to impress. because i’m doing it whether i realize it or not. it’s better not to get bogged down in pursuit of truth, especially not when muddied of the perception of others. i feel like real truth can be only within me and protected like a secret. and even though i perform to myself, i know it’s real.